Dost Thou Not Care, Jesus? I had said.

I found this article I’d written December 5, 2009, before my twins were born.  I had been bedridden for a couple of months by then and God was teaching me plenty of lessons in that stillness.  Thought this was worth bringing up again!

I am not a control-freak.  I don’t need things to be too-clean; not everything has a specific place.  I often forget birthdays; I never send cards (I’m trying?).  I forget things that are cooking on the stove; I boil water completely away.

I don’t wash the sheets every.single.week (CRINGE!).  But?  I have my own little order.  I have things the way I like them in particular, and out of this order that isn’t really order, I still have control.  Not in a freakish unreasonable way… unless you’re my child.  In which case, you have to comb your hair this way, and you have to wear this shirt, and probably you need to make your bed this way, and hold your pencil like this.  But that’s not REALLY unreasonable?  When you stir the cookie-dough, you’re supposed to stir it like this.  Not because I’m crazy or need to control everything, but because It’s easier this way and you’ll thank me later.

Right?

Wrong.

But the carpet needs to be vacuumed this way, and the bathroom floor needs to be swept this way, RIGHT?

Wrong.

Unknowingly, all along in my attempt to make things so much easier for Aidan-and-Reid for when I can’t do these chores for them I have been making life a little less enjoyable and less fun.  Sure life isn’t all roses, things aren’t ALWAYS FUN, but things also don’t always have to be done this way. (Unless I have any say so, I mean.)

So throughout these months of having to watch Aidan not put things into his back pack the way I would arrange them, watching him vacuum the way I would never vacuum in a million years, seeing Reid hang my sweaters instead of fold them, or throw stuff in the closet floor instead of just finding a place for the things he doesn’t know have a place, I have relinquished control.  I have stepped back, knowing that it’s a losing battle.  And throughout all of this accepting-circumstances-that-I-can’t-control and realizing the importance or rather, the unimportance of the things I’ve battled, I am now realizing that this way of living is a lot easier than forcing my will upon the world.

I’ve always thought that I’m pretty low-maintenance, and by some people’s standards, I still never-ever had it together, but I was still trying to force triangles into squares because that’s the shape I needed for my own sanity.

So hopefully when you come over, when I have crap all in my entryway, and stuff all over my couch (because these are things I have really little control over), you’ll instead see my heart, and the fact that I’ve grown because of all this mess: I have realized what just doesn’t matter.

Maybe throughout all of this I’m becoming just a little bit more like Mary, and a lot less like Martha.  <3

Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.  And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.  But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone?  Bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. Luke 10:38-42 [added bold and italics]

Lord, keep my heart pure.

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